i'm surprised. 
turns out i'm not such a morning person after all.

at work now. reflect-thought-blog update later. o_O

if there were to be a show that spoke of me and my life, it would be -hands down- scrubs.
the dramedy that speaks of life almost all-too-accurately (for me at least); filled with sarcasm, mockery, funny, and real-life situations; integration of so many classic other shows; with characters that all seem to have multiple personality disorder (or maybe it's me. it's like i have all these characters within me and they're just individually wrapped and showcased sepereately on the show.); the random breaking into song and thought tops it off. at the end of the day, the message behind each episode just speaks so much for me. it's like every episode expresses whatever emotion/thought that i've been experiencing but have yet to pinpoint what it is or give it a name.

side notes: i've been listening to diana krall's christmas album - and am in search of jar candles that has the scent of "fresh rain", "snow", "freshly baked cookies", "ginger tea", "pine", "mint", or any water dew smell. like that of morning or like when the air is so crisp when it is just about to rain and you can just smell the rain in the air yunno? i hate that the online websites all sell what i want but they just dont ship to spore! argh. - i want my own set of purplish white scrubs. sigh.

i love scrubs. season 5 tmr.

yunno. you can brush things aside and not register for only so long.
the good is the temporal effect does not latch on and you're able to maintain composure and a sense of ease and move on and get on with life and what not.
the bad is when your emotions catches up with you at a trigger and everything hits you at one go and you go on an emotional outrage. and my trigger was not the least pleasant and i literally could just feel myself coming apart. trust me, it's so bad that if i ever were about self-mutiliation and i had a knife next to me, i would've cut myself. but because i've no balls, all i did was cry and cry and cry and sob and hyperventilate hysterically. basically. and apparently, all i can do is blame myself cos i didnt have enough balls to do anything about it when i could have.

dont people realise that there are repercussions to things that they say in my face. worser, the things they say with their eyes too. the worst is when you know what they're thinking, and you know them for the person that they are, and they lie in your friggin fat face.
fine. i know i'm fat la ok. so shut the fuck up. and stop looking at me that way.
i can only take ease in the fact i dont have to teach at the pool all that often anymore. i'm hoping i can get a full-time job and get out of it totally. i hate wearing my swimming costume.

everything just keeps crashing down. this year cannot get any worse else i kill myself with an overdose. in the meantime i'm going to burn candles in my room. something that i never do. but i need some aromatherapy to soothe my unrested soul. i dont feel the peace i'm supposed to feel as a christian.

the past 24hrs have not gone good at all. 
uh uh.
not at all.
and i wish it would all go away and i would understand why.
till then, i'm just (very) relieved i'm not going in to teach on fridays from now on.
and if i can, i wish i could disappear into thin air just like that. 

because i didnt get my sausage dog puppy, i dont know exactly what i want, but i'd just list out stuff that i'm into.

i really have been into all things navy, blue (ice blue and dark navy turquoise to be exact) , black, and grey. i love hoodies and henleys. and the usual tshirts to go with jeans, preferably with no prints. nothing preppy, more bohemian and grunge. i still love pink. i like glitter. i need nice pairs of heels/pumps/ballet flats. i'm still a flipflop girl at heart though, so that's "tough". i'd like shorts for going out. dresses. charms, gems, crystals are unexpected but more than welcomed. and i love gilmore girls.
(and to all who know me, you know i like my clothes VERY UN-fitting. ie, the bigger the size you get me, the more likely i'll wear it. no matter who it's from. nothing less than an L.)

i have never been more blatant at hinting. hahaha.
maybe next time i should have a list of pictures of the exact things i want posted. hahaha.

but honestly, no obligation. i'm typing this simply because i'm still awake and cannot sleep. oh wells.

I DO NOT WANT TO TEACH. 

at least not for now.
i applied initially, not having given it careful thought for myself but only to bring a smile to your face, and i did not have a job, and i thought wth just give it a shot, at the end of the day i can CHOOSE NOT to accept it.
now that time has passed since mom, it has come to pass and much needed realisation that i need an even much-more-needed-long-OVERDUED FEW MONTHS off, or at least let me give it a shot and do whatever i want WHILST I'M STILL IN MY PRIME (of which AT LEAST HALF of it has gone into things-that-was-required-of-me-and-not-things-i-want-to-do). and to top it of, it's my life and i still have to seek you permission for it.
i'm trying my hardest to tell you that i'm SIMPLY NOT READY to teach, and that i WANT to CHOOSE NOT to accept the offer, but you SIMPLY REFUSE to listen and hear me out. the whip cream on the sundae is the UTTER DISAPPOINTMENT LOOK you gave me (when i FINALLY mustered up the much needed courage to tell you that i didnt want to accept the offer in FULL HOPE and CONFIDENCE you'd understand like you ALWAYS DO FOR OTHERS) and that TOTALLY SHATTERED me on top of the pushing and forcing me to take up this stupid job, making me feel horrible and wrong to want something for myself.
the cherry on top is your constant pushing for me to go out and get a boyfriend. firstly, i rejected a couple in the early years because i know yall wouldnt let me date and all i wanted to do was be a good kid. and now? look where i am for trying to be a good kid- i'm CONSTANTLY being FUCKING REJECTED all-fucking-right?!?!? and let me make this clear: all my life i settled for second best; this is probably the one and only aspect that i do not want to compromise. IT'S NOT FREAKING GROCERY SHOPPING!

i love you dad. oh so much. yes i do. ive done so many things for yours and moms and the familys sake that i personally refuse and wouldnt choose to do if i chose to lead my own individual selfish life. but
JUST LET ME SAY THIS, I FORSEE A MISERABLE LIFE AHEAD OF ME IF I TAKE UP THIS JOB. 
and to think i thought i just finished the longest 3 years of my life.
and for the record, the spore education system hasnt been of the kindest to me. in fact, i was pathetically miserable for the most of my school life.
whoever has me as a teacher will suffer. i promise you that.
and i will go asylum mad. i garuntee you that.

i'm going crazy as it is already.
and mum's hospital flashbacks are really taking over me. it's haunting and i cant sleep but cry every friggin night. and her last words to me still baffle me. not because i dont understand, but because it called for a wt* response.
and because what i need now is a mother's reassuring hug.

i feel like i'm screaming in a soundproof box. at the top of my lungs and nobody hears.

i just want to run away and be myself for awhile.

some people leave me so mystified that i am just too tired to entertain them and wish they'd either come straight up and be obvious of their intentions, or maybe just uhhh... fuck off. just maybe.

and to you tom: i dont know what to do about you. it's just a simple reply. what's so difficult about it? honestly. and i hate myself everyday for always carrying that any simple bit of slight hope that i can squeeze out of me that i just might see your reply the next time i check my email. i'm not asking for a long one though it might be nice. but just a reply. to make me feel i matter again. just like how you were the only one who made me feel i mattered for some reason when you talked to me that night, when you gave me your email, when you replied my emails promptly and not-so-promptly, when you kept your promise, and when came down from the stage to greet me. i'm starting to forget how it all felt. the bitter is beginning to overshadow the sweet. i honestly dont know how it went all downhill thereafter. i just dont understand.

and i dont understand how i'm alone in all this.

i dont even feel my mom anymore. i'm scared i'll forget her.

honestly, i dont know if i'm angry or upset anymore. and honestly, i dont understand why i cant seem to get out of this miserable state. i cannot emphasise enough how much i hate it.

maybe i should go grab some smokes and kill my lungs. after all, whether or not it's a bad habit, a person potentially dies either from first hand or second hand smoke. it's a lose-lose situation. mum's an example in a sense. might as well get high whilst you're at it huh.

under all that appearance of being fine and shite,
i am actually feeling nothing but of pain & sadness,
right this very moment i wish i wasnt here.

worse thing is i've no right to feel this way cos i know there are others out there in a worser position than i am. yes. it boils down to those african unicef kids at the end of the day.

i am nothing but a feeble worthless piece of crap.

i hope phuket turns out well. i'm sorta looking forward to it. but i'd also like to come home asap and hide under my very own comfy blanket.

i'm not sleeping. again. not that i dont want to. i'm just not sleeping.
i'm tired though. tired of fulfilling other people's emotional needs when mine needs to be tended to as well. but who's there to tend it? tired of being polite. tired of being nice. tired of feigning. tired of being nice because i have to. tired of being so careful of stepping on your stupid toes because of your stupid hyper-sensitivity. 
you may or may not be reading this. you may or may not know that it is you that i'm talking about. but honestly. i appreciate all the care and concern and your trying of establishing a closer family relationship with me. but your sensitivity is just too much for me to take and yet i find myself struggling to feign interest in what you have to say. when i show the least bit of negativity like i dont need your help, or when i repeat what you have been repeating over and over for the past couple of hours since seeing you when you try talking to me (because i know that is what you're going to say), or when i dont respond (because most of the time i dont hear you or you dont hear me when i respond), or when i say no or reject you, you think that i'm not trying and that our relationship is a failure and that i hate you. it's not that i dont love you or dont care for you. i do. and i know you want to go through this grieving period as a family and stuff. we got our own ways of doing it and to put it bluntly, my way does not involve you. i'm sorry to say that but i'm just being honest. because we're not at that level if you know what i mean. many a time i just wonder why cant you just accept that we'll never be hugging buddies. you're not the only one who lost mom. all of us did. and you have that kind of person i would love to have by my side at your side during this period when they're needed most. so it's not that you dont have anyone to talk to alright. in fact i think your person is more loving than me (and i say this in a non-jealous-comparison manner). you can find emotional comfort in your person than in me. ugh fine. you wanna talk to me? talk. but just dont expect the lovey dovey nuturing response that mom gives everyone. because i'm not her and i'm not responsive in general. get used to it. i'm better at just listening. let's meet half way.
i find myself struggling to tend to my own (emotional) needs as it is and i still have to cater to yours. why do i always have to be the one making life easier for you? not just in this case. man. for once. make things easier for me. ease my load a lil bit. since you wanna help so much. let me tell you waht you can do for me. what i want from you. help me this way: stop making it seem as if i'm not trying or that i dont love you. because that's not the case. at all.

goodness. one after the other then another. will it ever end. why do i always feel i have to be the big person. and i say this in a humble manner though it may not sound so.

and again, I JUST DONT UNDERSTAND ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING THAT IS HAPPENING IN MY LIFE. FUCK.

i need a hiatus from life.

i want my mom.
i want her back so bad.
i havent cried since friday.
but now, whilst everyone is asleep and the rain is pouring outside, i find myself tearing uncontrollably.
i really dont understand. 
i just dont.

i dont care how and i dont care about the seasons.
i just want christmas to be here now.
and a snowy christmas one at that.
or disneyland.
because the emptiness and silent pain is somewhat hard to bear.
i need something to make me feel better, void that emptiness.

it's not that i dont want to get out of this state. but i just dont see how things can be better.